When i started this blog a few years back i wanted to use it as a gateway to my feelings and thoughts in my head. I’ve never been great at expressing in words as i usually muddle them all up or say it wrong or forget to say something so writing helped.
The main reason I wanted to do this is because I began to find my life very hard. I always, from quite a young age, suffered with anxiety, depression, poor self esteem but as the years went by, I really learned how to hide it. I became a pro at wearing a mask. I use to use joking around as a shield. I’d try to make anyone and everyone happy. I think that’s because deep down, I knew I didn’t want people to feel anywhere close to how I was feeling.
I never could explain it. I could never say why or what was wrong. It was just there like a big cloak, kind of like Harry Potters invisible cloak, dragging me down. But each day, I’d get up, put my face on and do what ever it was I needed to do.
I started having relationships at a very young age, and they weren’t good. They were very unhealthy, and I was badly hurt by every single one of them. Each time, it slowly lowered how I felt about myself which wasn’t great in the first place. The main guy who really hurt me, before my husband, drove me into the darkest hole. It was a very very unhealthy relationship. He would hurt me over and over and over again and yet all it took was “I’m sorry” and I was back there, hanging on to his every word and move. Things got so bad though that during a fight I was driving, he was on the phone, yelling, and I got lost on the turnpike because he kept messing me up saying come here don’t come here, I ended up having a very bad panic attack. He wouldn’t help me. He just hung up and told me to sort it out. luckily I was able to get off the turnpike, turn my car off and try to slow down. I cant remember a whole lot of the rest, I just remember some how I got myself home without crashing, passing out in my parents bathroom and waking up in the hospital. That was my first major panic attack. I felt like every time something happened and he cheated, I stayed because I thought how lucky was I that he still wanted to be with me? I wasn’t going to do better. Maybe my nagging drove him to keep straying as they say. But I loved him. I was with him for another 10 months after that major melt down in my car and in my parents bathroom. My self worth, was at 0.
When I was 19 I came over here to England from Florida. Growing up I always wanted to move and live in England. Everyone who really knew me knew this. Due to a few melt downs after high school ended, and having to leave my dream school, finally leaving the guy who I thought was my whole future, after he cheated again, I took all my money and decided to go to England and stay with my cousins for 4 months. This was going to be it. I was going to find myself again. I was going to get happy, I was going to be free. I met my husband a few months into getting here and it really was a whirlwind, but, my heartache was still so so fresh from the heartbreak man. But he made me feel loved.
We spent all the time together and although I had my dark moments and thoughts, being in England, doing what I wanted, it helped. Months down the line, we went through all the immigration problems (Our story is one for a whole different post I’m afraid) he proposed. He came over 2 weeks before hand to finally meet my family. My dad asked him why did Kai feel he wanted to marry me. His response, I’ve never met anyone as happy as she is who is always smiling. I didn’t find this out till after we got married so I felt horrible because I knew yes I was happy with him, but I knew the dark emotions that were hidden deep within. He didn’t have a clue. On November 1st, 2009, we got married in Florida. I came back with him for 6 months, then had to go back to Florida, without him for 6 months.
When I was finally able to be with Kai permanently in England at first it was ok. Was the cloud of smoke going away finally after all these years? OOOO no. As time went on, things happened that made me feel completely worthless again. I began to question everything once again. Stupid girl, everyone told you how stupid you were being.
In 2011, I lost a really really dear friend of mine. He was someone who impacted my life so much and someone I looked up to. He became such a great and dear friend. It rocked me. The day i found out, I locked myself in our bathroom and just cried for hours. How, how could someone so great who was actually made for greatness, who had a huge bright future ahead of them be taken so young?! I didn’t understand how or why. I felt horrible for his family. I also hated that there wasn’t a chance that i could say goodbye. His death, hit me so hard. I was on my way down again.
Couple years go on, we kept going. I never told anyone, especially Kai these things going on in my head. Things weren’t great with us so why do I want to completely scare him with what plays in my head day in and day out? How do you tell someone that you could just simply walk down the street and think what if I just stopped here, in front of a speeding car? Why do I have these thoughts of “accidentally”taking too many of these pain killers? Because that’s what played in my head day in and day out. How do I need to escape this pain. How do I need to escape this worthlessness. I wasn’t meant for this life. I wasn’t meant to do anything great. I’m useless. I’ve got no talent. I cant even have a baby.
I was having anxiety and panic attacks far to often that I had to go to hospital a few times.A few years went by again and I began to miss home so much. I started to regret leaving. I hated where I was and who I was. Why do I have to be the silly girl who didn’t listen? I told my mom finally what I was feeling, and her and my Dad decided to come over. I was so happy I missed my family every day. So for the few weeks leading up to them coming over I was relaxed for the first time in years. We had the best time and when they had to go, once again it broke me. What the hell is the matter with me. I would cry most days, but be able to put a smiley face on when anyone would come in contact with me. I became a pro at silent crying at night so I wouldn’t wake Kai up. Then it happened.
I was late. I got a pregnancy test, and my miracle happened. Me and Kai were finally having a baby. They told me there was a high chance i couldn’t have kid or carry long, so after all this time i was finally going to have my baby. My feelings of darkness, they seemed to go. My light, was inside me and I couldn’t believe it.
I named my son Corey. He was everything to me and Kai. So why did i start to feel the darkness creeping back on me. Things weren’t going great where we were. I was in and out of doctors trying to get help on my health and to get us out of where we were. Luckily we moved out of Bath into our own first family home. Isolation started again. I ended up in hospital again because of almost passing out from my anxiety attacks. Fast forward again a year and a half, I got pregnant again. We weren’t expecting this at all and I was scared especially things were very rocky again. I was already headed down south again. once again, i was crying almost all the time. Because of the hormones, i just blamed them. When my second son Blake was born, I was incredibly happy. I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy little boys. So why did I still have this pain inside?
I felt like a horrible mother. I felt horrible that I kept thinking, I didn’t do anything in my life I set out to do. It was too late for me now. I kept thinking that my kids deserved better then me. I kept thinking, they would be better without me. I was going to just bring them down some how. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to, but i was convinced I would let them down one way or another because of who I was. I was worried they’d be ashamed growing up with a talent less, useless, pathetic sad mother. I was completely numb.
I was sat on the floor playing with the boys when something came over me and I began to cry so hard that that i really couldn’t stop.If it was one thing I tried to do was never cry in front of my boys but I couldn’t help it this one day. Corey came up to me, gave me the biggest hug and kiss and didn’t let go.Something inside flipped.
It was as if something clicked inside me. I grabbed both Corey and Blake and hugged them so incredibly tightly. I was going to make this go away. I pretty much told myself snap out of it. You needed to do this for the boys. I began eating right, started exercising, enrolled back into school to finish what I started years and years ago, that was to become a makeup artist, I started doing more with the boys, and started this blog back up again. I want to make something of myself not just for me but my boy’s. It wasn’t too late to do what i wanted, I was just going to do it with and for my family. My kids. I came across things that have to do with the positive attraction effect. And by golly gee, I wish I started thinking this years ago as I think its saved my life. I’m making myself better. I knew I didn’t ever want to get hooked on those “happy pills.” And I’m so glad I kept refusing them. I might still have a long way to go but I know that I was made for something. I am not completely sure what for yet but dammit, I am going to enjoy every breath I have finding out. I’m going to enjoy watching my boys grow, I’m going to enjoy exploring this world and life with them and with those I hold near and dear. I will not let the darkness consume me no more. Yes I still have some bad moments, depression doesn’t go away over night. But I have more confidence in myself in the way I know I can beat it completely one day. I have my boys to thank for that. Its not been the easiest way out but I’m so glad I’m pulling myself out of the darkness into the light. Life looks a whole lot brighter all of a sudden and my dreams are coming back and don’t seem so silly any more. I’m proud to say.. I’m a fighter.
(For those of you who may be able to relate in some way with this, please don’t do what I did and keep it inside. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone so I didn’t and it almost destroyed me and my family.But If you ever need a chat to someone who wont judge, I’m here. I hope that with my ending, I can give some light into someones life. Even just a chat. Send me an email. Anytime xx)