Accept

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Who’s ever been disappointed? I bet any of you reading this has been. Whether it was the concert you wanted to see was sold out, or your size wasn’t there in the dress you’ve had your eyes on for weeks. Or how about even deeper, disappointed in someones actions towards you or people getting your hopes up and then completely crashing them.

Disappointment has really become a very well known acquaintance in my life. However, I’m learning to adjust the gut wrenching stab in the heart feeling. I’m saying to myself, “Right, that’s not happening, so what do I do now to make sure We come out on top?” or “Well that wasn’t the right thing for now at least.”

I use to be sick to my stomach every time some sort of disappointment occurred and yes it does still hurt at times when something disappointing comes along, but life doesn’t always have to be like that. Acceptance. That’s key. Once you accept that there’s a better thing out there for you, or other ways to go around it, you find yourself focusing on finding new ways to get what you want in life. Life is going to keep throwing set backs at you because how boring would it be if you were handed everything on a silver platter? Trials and tribulations is what sets the men or women from the girls or boys. Gotta work for it if you want it bad enough.

I’m a very firm believer that everything happens for a reason. and I’ve ACCEPTED that. When something in life that you wanted to do is “set back” you can either

A) get so upset give up and be like everything is ruined (which is what I use to do.)

   or

B) take is as it is and find a different way to achieve it if it’s something you really really want.

If you want something bad enough in life don’t let the disappointments torment you. Learn, grow, and work harder to get it. You’ll appreciate it more I guarantee you because when you do go through the hard times for it, you’ll be so so so glad when its in the palms of your hand.

-Candi x

 

 

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light

When i started this blog a few years back i wanted to use it as a gateway to my feelings and thoughts in my head. I’ve never been great at expressing in words as i usually muddle them all up or say it wrong or forget to say something so writing helped.

The main reason I wanted to do this is because I began to find my life very hard. I always, from quite a young age, suffered with anxiety, depression, poor self esteem but as the years went by, I really learned how to hide it. I became a pro at wearing a mask. I use to use joking around as a shield. I’d try to make anyone and everyone happy. I think that’s because deep down, I knew I didn’t want people to feel anywhere close to how I was feeling.

I never could explain it. I could never say why or what was wrong. It was just there like a big cloak, kind of like Harry Potters invisible cloak, dragging me down. But each day, I’d get up, put my face on and do what ever it was I needed to do.

I started having relationships at a very young age, and they weren’t good. They were very unhealthy, and I was badly hurt by every single one of them. Each time, it slowly lowered how I felt about myself which wasn’t great in the first place. The main guy who really hurt me, before my husband, drove me into the darkest hole. It was a very very unhealthy relationship. He would hurt me over and over and over again and yet all it took was “I’m sorry” and I was back there, hanging on to his every word and move. Things got so bad though that during a fight I was driving, he was on the phone, yelling, and I got lost on the turnpike because he kept messing me up saying come here don’t come here, I ended up having  a very bad panic attack. He wouldn’t help me. He  just hung up and told me to sort it out. luckily I  was able to get off the turnpike, turn my car off and try to slow down. I cant remember a whole lot of the rest, I just remember some how I got myself home without crashing, passing out in my parents bathroom and waking up in the hospital. That was my first major panic attack. I felt like every time something happened and he cheated, I stayed because I thought how lucky was I that he still wanted to be with me? I wasn’t going to do better. Maybe my nagging drove him to keep straying as they say. But I loved him.  I was with him for another 10 months after that major melt down in my car and in my parents bathroom. My self worth, was at 0.

When I was 19 I came over here to England from Florida. Growing up I always wanted to move and live in England. Everyone who really knew me knew this. Due to a few melt downs after high school ended, and having to leave my dream school, finally leaving the guy who I thought was my  whole future, after he cheated again, I took all my money and decided to go to England and stay with my cousins for 4 months. This was going to be it. I was going to find myself again. I was going to get happy, I was going to be free. I met my husband a few months into getting here and it really was a whirlwind, but, my heartache was still so so fresh from the heartbreak man. But he made me feel loved.

We spent all the time together and although I had my dark moments and thoughts, being in England, doing what I wanted, it helped. Months down the line, we went through all the immigration problems (Our story is one for a whole different post I’m afraid) he proposed. He came over 2 weeks before hand to finally meet my family. My dad asked him why did Kai feel he wanted to marry me. His response, I’ve never met anyone as happy as she is who is always smiling. I didn’t find this out till after we got married so I felt horrible because I knew yes I was happy with him, but I knew the dark emotions that were hidden deep within. He didn’t have a clue.  On November 1st, 2009, we got married in Florida. I came back with him for 6 months, then had to go back to Florida, without him for 6 months.

When I was finally able to be with Kai permanently in England at first it was ok. Was the cloud of smoke going away finally after all these years? OOOO no. As time went on, things happened that made me feel completely worthless again. I began to question everything once again. Stupid girl, everyone told you how stupid you were being.

In 2011, I lost a really really dear friend of mine. He was someone who impacted my life so much and someone I looked up to. He became such a great and dear friend. It rocked me. The day i found out, I locked myself in our bathroom and just cried for hours. How, how could someone so great who was actually made for greatness, who had a huge bright future ahead of them be taken so young?! I didn’t understand how or why. I felt horrible for his family. I also hated that there wasn’t a chance that i could say goodbye. His death, hit me so hard. I was on my way down again.

Couple years go on, we kept going. I never told anyone, especially Kai these things going on in my head. Things weren’t great with us so why do I want to completely scare him with what plays in my head day in and day out? How do you tell someone that you could just simply walk down the street and think what if I just stopped here, in front of a speeding car? Why do I have these thoughts of “accidentally”taking too many of these pain killers? Because that’s what played in my head day in and day out. How do I need to escape this pain. How do I need to escape this worthlessness. I wasn’t meant for this life. I wasn’t meant to do anything great. I’m useless. I’ve got no talent. I cant even have a baby.

   I was having anxiety and panic attacks far to often that I had to go to hospital a few times.A few years went by again and I began to miss home so much. I started to regret leaving. I hated where I was and who I was. Why do I have to be the silly girl who didn’t listen? I told my mom finally what I was feeling, and her and my Dad decided to come over. I was so happy I missed my family every day. So for the few weeks leading up to them coming over I was relaxed for the first time in years. We had the best time and when they had to go, once again it broke me. What the hell is the matter with me.  I  would cry most days, but be able to put a smiley face on when anyone would come in contact with me. I became a pro at silent crying at night so I wouldn’t wake Kai up.  Then it happened.

I was late. I got a pregnancy test, and my miracle happened. Me and Kai were finally having a baby. They told me there was a high chance i couldn’t have kid or carry long, so after all this time i was finally going to have my baby. My feelings of darkness, they seemed to go. My light, was inside me and I couldn’t believe it.

I named my son Corey. He was everything to me and Kai. So why did i start to feel the darkness creeping back on me. Things weren’t going great where we were. I was in and out of doctors trying to get help on my health and to get us out of where we were. Luckily we moved out of Bath into our own first family home. Isolation started again. I ended up in hospital again because of almost passing out from my anxiety attacks. Fast forward again a year and a half, I got pregnant again. We weren’t expecting this at all and I was scared especially things were very rocky again. I was already headed down south again. once again, i was crying almost all the time. Because of the hormones, i just blamed them. When my second son Blake was born, I was incredibly happy. I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy little boys. So why did I still have this pain inside?

I felt like a horrible mother. I felt horrible that I kept thinking, I  didn’t do anything in my life I set out to do. It was too late for me now.  I kept thinking that my kids deserved better then me. I kept thinking, they would be better without me. I was going to just bring them down some how. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to, but i was convinced I would let them down one way or another because of who I was. I was worried they’d be ashamed growing up with a talent less, useless, pathetic sad mother.  I was completely numb.

I was sat on the floor playing with the boys when something came over me and I began to cry so hard that that i really couldn’t stop.If it was one thing I tried to do was never cry in front of my boys but I couldn’t help it this one day. Corey came up to me, gave me the biggest hug and kiss and didn’t let go.Something inside flipped.

It was as if something clicked inside me. I grabbed both Corey and Blake and hugged them so incredibly tightly. I was going to make this go away. I pretty much told myself snap out of it. You needed to do this for the boys. I began eating right, started exercising, enrolled back into school to finish what I started years and years ago, that was to become a makeup artist, I started doing more with the boys, and started this blog back up again. I want to make something of myself not just for me but my boy’s. It wasn’t too late to do what i wanted, I was just going to do it with and for my family. My kids. I came across things that have to do with the positive attraction effect. And by golly gee, I wish I started thinking this years ago as I think its saved my life. I’m making  myself better. I knew I didn’t ever want to get hooked on those “happy pills.” And I’m so glad I kept refusing them. I might still have a long way to go but I know that I was made for something. I am not completely sure what for yet but dammit, I am going to enjoy every breath I have finding out. I’m going to enjoy watching my boys grow, I’m going to enjoy exploring this world and life with them and with those I hold near and dear. I will not let the darkness consume me no more. Yes I still have some bad moments, depression doesn’t go away over night. But I have more confidence in myself in the way I know I can beat it completely one day. I have my boys to thank for that. Its not been the easiest way out but I’m so glad I’m pulling myself out of the darkness into the light. Life looks a whole lot brighter all of a sudden and my dreams are coming back and don’t seem so silly any more. I’m proud to say.. I’m a fighter.

-Candi X

(For those of you who may be able to relate in some way with this, please don’t do what I did and keep it inside. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone so I didn’t and it almost destroyed me and my family.But If you ever need a chat to someone who wont judge, I’m here. I hope that with my ending, I can give some light into someones life.  Even just a chat. Send me an email. Anytime xx)

 

 

 

Glitter Everywhere! 

 
For people who know me, I loooove makeup. Ever since I was very young, like any other girl really. I use to have to sneak makeup out and put it on at school!! Anywhosay that’s another story. I recently had my nails done by a lovely lady named Lette. She’s a beautician and very nice. I was looking through her price list when I came across “Glitter lips.” When I asked her what that was, she told me it’s a new trend where it’s simply glitter added on to your lips. It looked really cool. But to be fair it then just went out of my mind.

About a week later I came across a page called The Beauty Box Boutique. They were running a competition to win glitter kits for Glitter lips and eyes! It looked amazing. It sparkled. IT shined. I wanted some.

 
The company was asking for people to post pictures of eyes and lips to see if they could use for their website. So I done some looks and sent them my pictures.

 

To much of my pleasant surprise they liked it! We chatted more, I done some more looks and they asked if it was ok to send me some samples to do some looks and try the glitter out.

Yay!! Glitter! The package came so quickly I couldn’t wait to get started. They send me an applicator which one end was an eye sponge the other was a lip brush, four different colour glitters and the glue. I got started in making a glitter lip tutorial.

 
I have to say the glitter was so pretty and the application was great. I was impressed on how well it stayed on as well!! It looked great and to be honest I’m hooked.

 
It was the same for the eyes. Stayed in place great and didn’t irritate my skin eyes or mouth.

The Beauty Box Boutique has some amazing colors to choose from. And they don’t only do the glitter for glitter eyes and lips, they do glitter tattoos and glitter for crafts as well.

Customer service is great and the owners are extremely friendly and helpful. Head over to their Facebook and tell them Courtney Jo sent ya 😉

https://m.facebook.com/www.thebeautyboxboutique.co.uk/
-Candi X

Whirlwind

 

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Have you ever been so scared of change that you literally start to shake when you think about it? I think that’s what was happening to my husband.

We were sitting in the car with the two boys sound asleep in the back when I kept asking him what was going through his head. “I’m fine. I don’t know. We shall see.” Those seemed to be the only words he’d get out! I noticed his hands were a bit shaky and he had a weird face on him and no that’s not just his face.

Me and the three boys were on our way up to London to go spend the weekend with some good friends of ours. I’ve been so excited since the day we arranged it all as the lady has really become one of my really really close friends and comes visits every week. And the man, they are husband and wife, is my husbands good friend from years and years, they grew up together basically. But for the husband the first part of the staycation wasn’t just for fun, it was to go for an interview at a life changing career thanks to his friend.

Since Kai been offered the interview and job he didn’t really speak to me about it so I had no idea what to think. Did he want the job was he more then likely to go for it if it was properly offered to him? Did he worry too much on how it’ll impact all of us? Not a clue.

We were almost to our friends when I asked Kai if he wanted to be offered the job as to which he replied “Yes and no.” “It’s s great opportunity but I don’t think I can go through all that change and do the move there’s just too much to do.” In my head I knew he was turning it down.

Finally we got to Hatfield where our friends live and were greeted with smiley faces. My eldest, Corey, went straight into trying to get everything while Blake, my youngest, cried for a bottle.

We chatted and Kai changed so him and his friend could go to the interview. Kissed him good bye  told him good luck and off he went.

Me the boys and my friend went out and all the while she kept asking how I felt and I was completely honest. “From what I hear of it, it all sounds great and I’d personally take it but I’m not sure he will which is fine cause I’ll stand by him either way.”

Hatfield if gorgeous. It’s quaint and pretty and a lot to do! I started picturing what it would be like to live here. Big mistake. I had to keep reminding my self to not get ahead of myself as i was pretty sure Kai was going to turn it down.

We went to the Galleries which reminded me of an American mall, Sawgrass mills to be exact, with all the outlet stores, (Hello cheap bags of Cadburys!) indoors, loads of restaurants and ‘mall music’ as i like to call it. We grabbed a coffee and then went into the middle where a huge play area was so Corey could play. My friend, bless her, watched Blake as I ran through the tunnels with Corey.

I spotted him right away. Kai and his friend were coming. I don’t know why but a huge knot formed in my stomach when i saw him. I grabbed Corey and went straight to Kai. His face was unlike I’ve ever seen it. I asked how it went. “Good.” I asked what happened. “I’ve been offered the job.” I shrieked inside. But then he went blank. I couldn’t read him he wasn’t making sense, it was as if he went through those whirlwind simulators and lost all sense of direction. Just give me some sort of clue on what your thinking and feeling!

Our friends had to pick up their car, so it gave me and Kai a chance to properly talk. He explained his fears and how he felt in such a Dilemma. I’ve never ever seen him so torn. I finally asked,”Do you want this job.” He looked me in the eyes as he replied “yes.” “Then there’s your answer to it all. We will work everything out when it comes to it Kai we always do. If you don’t take these risks in life you may be risking the greatest opportunities for yourself.” He still looked in a daze.

We got back to our friends house And we all began talking about it. Kai seemed to calm down a bit i noticed all his body and face began to relax. Then,  and finally, he said to his friend, “Thanks mate for this, I’m going to take the job.”

We had a fabulous weekend, which either way if Kai took the job or not I knew we would as I said already they’ve been really great friends. Great food, way too much chocolate, belly laughs, kids playing, visiting new places. It was great. Our friends took us into the middle of St Albans where we became chocatosed (comatose by eating and drinking far too much chocolate) but the cake and hot chocolate was far too good, and went into the Abby which was beautiful. We were all really happy.

We were quite sad to leave. The husband had to go into work on the Sunday, so me and Kai stayed with my friend, watched some telly, chilled had lunch and prepped to leave. We said goodbye and said thank you so much for an amazing weekend.

We got the boys and all of our stuff in the care and waved bye. All the way home we just talked. It was nice that Kai actually started to open up about it all. He was so excited, just worried about what to say to his boss. We spoke about what’s the next plan of action, how he’s going to have to be away in London all week but I’d carry on house hunting. It was all decided, we are moving to London!

-Candi x